Sunday, December 6, 2009

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Dear Readers,

     Welcome back, I hope you all enjoyed thanksgiving break and flossed for at least an hour on Friday. This is my second ever post, and that also means it's the last post before I stop telling you what post I'm on because I am sure no one cares. Now if you are not blind, foreign, or a quadriplegic, (or all three, and I feel sincerely bad for you if you are) then first of all, you probably cannot read this, or even get to you computer if the latter is true, and second of all you will have noticed that there is snow on the ground. Now for those of you who just read this and promptly scratched your head and ran to the window, please stay calm and do not panic, because today I will be teaching you how to deal with snow.
     The first thing you must remember when dealing with snow is this: snowflakes are friends, not food. Many times in the past I have seen greater men than I grab a chunk of snow to eat it and immediately spit it out, cursing their luck, because they ate bad snow. This brings me to rule number two, STAY AWAY FROM THE YELLOW SNOW!! My third and final rule is to always wear cleats when outside in the snow. Snow gets icy fast and if you are not wearing your protective snow cleats (available at five convenient locations across the Front Range) then you will slip and fall. Snow cleats are the only shoes with enough traction to weather (pun totally intended) any icy conditions.
     Congratulations, now that you have the formal ground rules down, you get to move on to your terrible job of shoveling snow. Now snow is a difficult thing and requires the utmost care in handling it. A single misplaced flake could cause a less fortunate person who can't afford snow cleats (now only $59.99) to trip and fall. This means that you average driveway should take approximately six hours per foot of snow to shovel, no problem for you snow cleats which now come with toe warming and snow melting action. Once you have three feet of snow on your drive, however, don't even bother clearing it because that means that either everyone else is snowed in too and the second ice age has arrived, or you are so lazy and dislikeable that no one is going to be walking anywhere near your house anyway, so just pour some hot chocolate and get used to being lonely. This simple guide to handling snow should have put your mind at ease and is available in travel sized packages as well as on blue ray and DVD; don't forget to buy your snow cleats, call now and get the second pair absolutely free, call 1-800-SNOCLEATS to order. (Not a valid number, do not actually call, snow cleats do not actually exist, and neither do blind, foreign, quadriplegics, thank you; that is all.)
     The Sports Scene: Normally this is where I would tell you about the music events of this week, but as many of you know there was a certain incident with a certain celebrity in the past week that I could not pass up the opportunity to make fun of. So, now, I proudly present: the downfall of golf. No longer is golf the gentleman's sport, where any old guy can just grab his clubs on the weekend with no questions asked, oh no! Tiger Woods has just ensured that. Now a poor defenseless golf player must endure questioning from his friends and/or family: "What are you doing?" "Where are you going?" "Why don't you love me anymore?!" (Hopefully not that last one from his friends), it cannot go unnoticed that golf players have suffered a substantial blow. The upside for golfers is more publicity. I have heard that the golf network is going for a different angle now, apparently they are planning to pick up Jon and Kate plus 8 next season along with days of our lives and have released a new series to rival animal planet: Tiger, untamed and uncut. All pros and cons aside, however, there is much speculation surrounding Tiger Woods at the moment, did he cheat? Did his wife beat him? Is going to be rewarded with a new car? The answer to all of these is yes, maybe, and only on Tuesdays, but not in that order. Well I have shared my thoughts, and I hope that clears things up for everyone.
     Ten reasons NOT to watch Avatar: One new film that is getting quite a lot of publicity as of late is Avatar, well today I am here to tell you that this is not a suitable movie for all who do not want to turn green and ugly with anger after seeing it. There are ten reasons I feel this way, and I believe that you will share my belief after hearing them.
1. It is directed by James Cameron, if you don't know who he is, look him up, he's not a nice dude. This guy alone is enough reason not to see it, but because I am better than him and do not justify my opinions simply by calling people American haters, I have nine more reasons.
2. It is all special effects. You have seen those terrible movies with no plots that are just making it because people like the sci-fi effects; well I am telling you that Avatar is just like that, it is worse than G.I. Joe and Transformers 2 combined.
3. It is unoriginal. Just like everything James Cameron does (with the exception of Terminator) it has been done before, and will be done later on, with better effects, I promise.
4. It has been contaminated. Avatar was the name of a halfway decent cartoon series that is being adapted into a movie by a real director: M. Night Shyamalan. The name and some of the visual concepts have now been stolen unceremoniously by this film.
5. It is a waste of money. It will crash and burn in two weeks and then you can see it for free on Netflix instead of paying ten bucks to see it.
6. South Park told you not to. South Park, the TV show notable for making fun of everything, but for totally trashing things that really deserve it has officially trashed Avatar, which is never a good sign.
7. It is offensive to smurfs. The smurf people of smurf land cannot speak for themselves so I am speaking for them. The smurfs feel degraded sexually, especially smurfette, and they refuse to tolerate this depiction of them.
8. It's creepy. I mean come on! This weirdo guy discovers a world of blue people and proceeds to transform into one of them, that's just sick.
9. The cast is worrying. There is not a single notably decent person on the cast list, making me believe that there really is no hope of this movie succeeding.
10. You are reading this, and in fact, millions of people across the globe are reading similar articles about the terrors of this movie and it isn't even out yet! That should tell you something.

So when you go to the movies and decide what to see, I am advising you now not to go see Avatar unless you want to be sorely disappointed. That about wraps it up for this week, until next time, may your snow stay shoveled and your golf stay innocent.