Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Dear Readers,

I am back from the dark abyss of finals week and here to share more of my great wisdom with you. This week as the great holiday of Christmas grows ever closer I will be teaching all of you how to write a letter to Santa. Now I have recently become aware of something that my shock and appall you: some people no longer write letters to Santa (In case you were unsure, this would be an appropriate time to gasp in shock and/or awe)! This is, of course, completely unacceptable and must be dealt with at once; so if you are one of the poor misguided children who do not participate in this vital activity annually, please pay close attention. The first thing you should know is that you CAN ask for help! So many empty stockings could have been saved if people had simply admitted they had a problem. So now that you know you have a problem it is time to fix it by getting you back into the habit of writing these all important letters. Today I will be posting my letter for you to read in the hope of showing you an ideal letter. If I were you I would take very detailed notes on the following in order to ensure maximum absorption of aforementioned spongy knowledge (my rule of thumb for notes is two pages of notes per one page of text). Here are some pointers for writing your letter and I hope they help:
1.) Speak very clearly and to the point. If you want your sister to be sold for a car stereo say exactly that. It is common knowledge that Santa is a fat Old Norwegian dude and doesn't speak a word of English and his elf translators are basically semi retarded illiterate midgets! On second thought, it would also be a good idea to draw a picture of the thing on your list.
2.) Be demanding. You will never get what you want if you don't yell at whoever has it! People will think you are a push over and one day they will steal your bike and frame you for felony arson in the 1st degree! (True story.)
3.) Forget about this whole naughty or nice thing! Santa is Norweenian (yes, I meant Norweenian), he doesn't even know what the word nice means, just tell him what you want and mail it, no one wants to read about why you were a good little boy/girl/thing.
So, without further ado, I present my letter to Santa:

Dear old fat Norway dude,

Here are my demands: 1: three double-decker buses, London style with nothing on them; 2: a jumbo jet with air conditioning; 3: a world war II fighter pilot to fly said jumbo jet; 4: six pizzas, half cheese, half garlic liver and anchovies, with a side order of cinnastix (NOT "cinnasticks", those are completely different!); 5: throw away two thirds of the pizza with anchovies and eat the rest while walking on a tight rope, blind-folded; 6: use a new flip camera (for me) to record yourself doing this and put it on YouTube; 6: Go into the dollar store and ask the clerk how much everything in the store costs, and then try to buy something with $0.99; 7: go to a taxidermy shop and purchase a stuffed raccoon (also for me); 8: go to a star bucks and ask for a fat free half-caf double shot frappumochuchino latte with cream, heated to precisely 147 degrees Fahrenheit you guessed it: for me), and when the guy at the register asks you to repeat that you pull out the raccoon and start petting it while talking in rapid norweenian. He will then most likely give you all the money in the cash register just to go away; 9: go to the gas station by my house and hide the money in the ice box; 10: go to target and ask for the Sims 15 double deluxe party plaza edition with super monkey ninja extension in 4D and demand to see their manager until your request is granted; 11: make me a new passport with only my photo and the name: Kill-stab Danger in it 12: go to home depot and ask where the office supplies are; 13: go to office depot and ask where the home building supplies are; 14: three large bodyguards, each wearing an even larger trench-coat and riding an even larger Japanese fighting elephant; 15: a planet (preferably a maroon and porous one) to put it all on!

Well, it's not a lot, but that is everything I want for Christmas this year, and because I am sure you cannot even read any of this much less do it, I will expect the usual presents: clothes that don't fit and lumps of that gross black candy you always give me, but at least I tried.
P.S. you can forget about getting cookies this year, fatso, I shell out every year and pretty soon you're not even going to fit through my chimney! So this year you're not even getting milk; you get salad and a glass of water, and if I don't get some good stuff then I'm leaving the fire on next year and you can stay away from my house!

The Music Scene: This week I will be discussing with you one of the most pressing problems the music industry faces today. You all know what I'm talking about, you love it, you hate it, and you can't get it to stop playing in your head: HOLIDAY MUSIC! Yes, these dastardly tunes are constantly getting stuck in your head because it is the time of year that all those lonely people in their basements writing Hallmark cards live for: Christmas; and all the people who spend their year coming up with the most annoying combination of music and lyrics imaginable completely upset the music business. Yes, these devious songwriters live among us; they could be your neighbors, local hippies, hippies in other neighborhoods, or even the weird guy who lives down the street! In fact it probably is the weird guy who lives down the street, actually that would make a lot of sense. Next time you see him throw the employment section of the newspaper at him and tell him to get a job! So anyway, apart from harassing your local weirdo, many of you may be wondering what you can do to help prevent the music business from being ruined by this awful threat it faces, well I'll tell you what you can do, you can fight! Remove yourself from a situation in which you feel threatened by this jubilant music, and if ever you succumb and are forced to listen to it, listen to the Christmas music of a non-holiday band (yes many bands have been forced to breakdown and perform a Christmas song or two in order to pay the bills). So, next time you feel the urge to bust a move to some holiday classics remember Korn and Nine inch nails, starving in the street because of your need for the new Now that's what I call Christmas album, and stay strong for them.

Holiday Movies to Watch: Around Christmas time, watching movies is a very popular activity so, to honor this tradition in the American household, I am composing for you a proven list of the best movies to watch on Christmas, and posted it here for your enjoyment, use them as you will:
1.) The nightmare before Christmas. This is possibly the greatest Halloween and Christmas film of all-time and to make it even better it is a musical! What could be better except for the fact that it is produced and thoought up by Tim Burton, the answer: NOTHING!
2.) Wanted. If you haven't seen it then I feel almost sorry for you, because you have missed out on the most mind blowing, bloodiest, most language inappropriate film since the dawn of time! Not to mention it has Angelina Jolie in it as well as Morgan Freeman, spewing profanity. Unfortunately it is R rated so this is a big kids only movie.
3.) Hot Fuzz. The epitome of an action flick is what you will find in this movie and the fact that is the funniest movie ever will not go unnoticed either! This movie is simply perfect. (This one is also R, but that is merely because of an enormous amount of cheesy blood and guts)
4.) The Dark Knight. Batman, need I say more. There is never a wrong time to watch this movie and Christmas just seems to be a particularly right time.
Well that is all for this week's post, I will see you on the other side of Christmas, and in the meantime, may your stockings stay stuffed and your music stay un-holiday. See you next week!