Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Dear Readers,

I am back from the dark abyss of finals week and here to share more of my great wisdom with you. This week as the great holiday of Christmas grows ever closer I will be teaching all of you how to write a letter to Santa. Now I have recently become aware of something that my shock and appall you: some people no longer write letters to Santa (In case you were unsure, this would be an appropriate time to gasp in shock and/or awe)! This is, of course, completely unacceptable and must be dealt with at once; so if you are one of the poor misguided children who do not participate in this vital activity annually, please pay close attention. The first thing you should know is that you CAN ask for help! So many empty stockings could have been saved if people had simply admitted they had a problem. So now that you know you have a problem it is time to fix it by getting you back into the habit of writing these all important letters. Today I will be posting my letter for you to read in the hope of showing you an ideal letter. If I were you I would take very detailed notes on the following in order to ensure maximum absorption of aforementioned spongy knowledge (my rule of thumb for notes is two pages of notes per one page of text). Here are some pointers for writing your letter and I hope they help:
1.) Speak very clearly and to the point. If you want your sister to be sold for a car stereo say exactly that. It is common knowledge that Santa is a fat Old Norwegian dude and doesn't speak a word of English and his elf translators are basically semi retarded illiterate midgets! On second thought, it would also be a good idea to draw a picture of the thing on your list.
2.) Be demanding. You will never get what you want if you don't yell at whoever has it! People will think you are a push over and one day they will steal your bike and frame you for felony arson in the 1st degree! (True story.)
3.) Forget about this whole naughty or nice thing! Santa is Norweenian (yes, I meant Norweenian), he doesn't even know what the word nice means, just tell him what you want and mail it, no one wants to read about why you were a good little boy/girl/thing.
So, without further ado, I present my letter to Santa:

Dear old fat Norway dude,

Here are my demands: 1: three double-decker buses, London style with nothing on them; 2: a jumbo jet with air conditioning; 3: a world war II fighter pilot to fly said jumbo jet; 4: six pizzas, half cheese, half garlic liver and anchovies, with a side order of cinnastix (NOT "cinnasticks", those are completely different!); 5: throw away two thirds of the pizza with anchovies and eat the rest while walking on a tight rope, blind-folded; 6: use a new flip camera (for me) to record yourself doing this and put it on YouTube; 6: Go into the dollar store and ask the clerk how much everything in the store costs, and then try to buy something with $0.99; 7: go to a taxidermy shop and purchase a stuffed raccoon (also for me); 8: go to a star bucks and ask for a fat free half-caf double shot frappumochuchino latte with cream, heated to precisely 147 degrees Fahrenheit you guessed it: for me), and when the guy at the register asks you to repeat that you pull out the raccoon and start petting it while talking in rapid norweenian. He will then most likely give you all the money in the cash register just to go away; 9: go to the gas station by my house and hide the money in the ice box; 10: go to target and ask for the Sims 15 double deluxe party plaza edition with super monkey ninja extension in 4D and demand to see their manager until your request is granted; 11: make me a new passport with only my photo and the name: Kill-stab Danger in it 12: go to home depot and ask where the office supplies are; 13: go to office depot and ask where the home building supplies are; 14: three large bodyguards, each wearing an even larger trench-coat and riding an even larger Japanese fighting elephant; 15: a planet (preferably a maroon and porous one) to put it all on!

Well, it's not a lot, but that is everything I want for Christmas this year, and because I am sure you cannot even read any of this much less do it, I will expect the usual presents: clothes that don't fit and lumps of that gross black candy you always give me, but at least I tried.
P.S. you can forget about getting cookies this year, fatso, I shell out every year and pretty soon you're not even going to fit through my chimney! So this year you're not even getting milk; you get salad and a glass of water, and if I don't get some good stuff then I'm leaving the fire on next year and you can stay away from my house!

The Music Scene: This week I will be discussing with you one of the most pressing problems the music industry faces today. You all know what I'm talking about, you love it, you hate it, and you can't get it to stop playing in your head: HOLIDAY MUSIC! Yes, these dastardly tunes are constantly getting stuck in your head because it is the time of year that all those lonely people in their basements writing Hallmark cards live for: Christmas; and all the people who spend their year coming up with the most annoying combination of music and lyrics imaginable completely upset the music business. Yes, these devious songwriters live among us; they could be your neighbors, local hippies, hippies in other neighborhoods, or even the weird guy who lives down the street! In fact it probably is the weird guy who lives down the street, actually that would make a lot of sense. Next time you see him throw the employment section of the newspaper at him and tell him to get a job! So anyway, apart from harassing your local weirdo, many of you may be wondering what you can do to help prevent the music business from being ruined by this awful threat it faces, well I'll tell you what you can do, you can fight! Remove yourself from a situation in which you feel threatened by this jubilant music, and if ever you succumb and are forced to listen to it, listen to the Christmas music of a non-holiday band (yes many bands have been forced to breakdown and perform a Christmas song or two in order to pay the bills). So, next time you feel the urge to bust a move to some holiday classics remember Korn and Nine inch nails, starving in the street because of your need for the new Now that's what I call Christmas album, and stay strong for them.

Holiday Movies to Watch: Around Christmas time, watching movies is a very popular activity so, to honor this tradition in the American household, I am composing for you a proven list of the best movies to watch on Christmas, and posted it here for your enjoyment, use them as you will:
1.) The nightmare before Christmas. This is possibly the greatest Halloween and Christmas film of all-time and to make it even better it is a musical! What could be better except for the fact that it is produced and thoought up by Tim Burton, the answer: NOTHING!
2.) Wanted. If you haven't seen it then I feel almost sorry for you, because you have missed out on the most mind blowing, bloodiest, most language inappropriate film since the dawn of time! Not to mention it has Angelina Jolie in it as well as Morgan Freeman, spewing profanity. Unfortunately it is R rated so this is a big kids only movie.
3.) Hot Fuzz. The epitome of an action flick is what you will find in this movie and the fact that is the funniest movie ever will not go unnoticed either! This movie is simply perfect. (This one is also R, but that is merely because of an enormous amount of cheesy blood and guts)
4.) The Dark Knight. Batman, need I say more. There is never a wrong time to watch this movie and Christmas just seems to be a particularly right time.
Well that is all for this week's post, I will see you on the other side of Christmas, and in the meantime, may your stockings stay stuffed and your music stay un-holiday. See you next week!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Dear Readers,

     Welcome back, I hope you all enjoyed thanksgiving break and flossed for at least an hour on Friday. This is my second ever post, and that also means it's the last post before I stop telling you what post I'm on because I am sure no one cares. Now if you are not blind, foreign, or a quadriplegic, (or all three, and I feel sincerely bad for you if you are) then first of all, you probably cannot read this, or even get to you computer if the latter is true, and second of all you will have noticed that there is snow on the ground. Now for those of you who just read this and promptly scratched your head and ran to the window, please stay calm and do not panic, because today I will be teaching you how to deal with snow.
     The first thing you must remember when dealing with snow is this: snowflakes are friends, not food. Many times in the past I have seen greater men than I grab a chunk of snow to eat it and immediately spit it out, cursing their luck, because they ate bad snow. This brings me to rule number two, STAY AWAY FROM THE YELLOW SNOW!! My third and final rule is to always wear cleats when outside in the snow. Snow gets icy fast and if you are not wearing your protective snow cleats (available at five convenient locations across the Front Range) then you will slip and fall. Snow cleats are the only shoes with enough traction to weather (pun totally intended) any icy conditions.
     Congratulations, now that you have the formal ground rules down, you get to move on to your terrible job of shoveling snow. Now snow is a difficult thing and requires the utmost care in handling it. A single misplaced flake could cause a less fortunate person who can't afford snow cleats (now only $59.99) to trip and fall. This means that you average driveway should take approximately six hours per foot of snow to shovel, no problem for you snow cleats which now come with toe warming and snow melting action. Once you have three feet of snow on your drive, however, don't even bother clearing it because that means that either everyone else is snowed in too and the second ice age has arrived, or you are so lazy and dislikeable that no one is going to be walking anywhere near your house anyway, so just pour some hot chocolate and get used to being lonely. This simple guide to handling snow should have put your mind at ease and is available in travel sized packages as well as on blue ray and DVD; don't forget to buy your snow cleats, call now and get the second pair absolutely free, call 1-800-SNOCLEATS to order. (Not a valid number, do not actually call, snow cleats do not actually exist, and neither do blind, foreign, quadriplegics, thank you; that is all.)
     The Sports Scene: Normally this is where I would tell you about the music events of this week, but as many of you know there was a certain incident with a certain celebrity in the past week that I could not pass up the opportunity to make fun of. So, now, I proudly present: the downfall of golf. No longer is golf the gentleman's sport, where any old guy can just grab his clubs on the weekend with no questions asked, oh no! Tiger Woods has just ensured that. Now a poor defenseless golf player must endure questioning from his friends and/or family: "What are you doing?" "Where are you going?" "Why don't you love me anymore?!" (Hopefully not that last one from his friends), it cannot go unnoticed that golf players have suffered a substantial blow. The upside for golfers is more publicity. I have heard that the golf network is going for a different angle now, apparently they are planning to pick up Jon and Kate plus 8 next season along with days of our lives and have released a new series to rival animal planet: Tiger, untamed and uncut. All pros and cons aside, however, there is much speculation surrounding Tiger Woods at the moment, did he cheat? Did his wife beat him? Is going to be rewarded with a new car? The answer to all of these is yes, maybe, and only on Tuesdays, but not in that order. Well I have shared my thoughts, and I hope that clears things up for everyone.
     Ten reasons NOT to watch Avatar: One new film that is getting quite a lot of publicity as of late is Avatar, well today I am here to tell you that this is not a suitable movie for all who do not want to turn green and ugly with anger after seeing it. There are ten reasons I feel this way, and I believe that you will share my belief after hearing them.
1. It is directed by James Cameron, if you don't know who he is, look him up, he's not a nice dude. This guy alone is enough reason not to see it, but because I am better than him and do not justify my opinions simply by calling people American haters, I have nine more reasons.
2. It is all special effects. You have seen those terrible movies with no plots that are just making it because people like the sci-fi effects; well I am telling you that Avatar is just like that, it is worse than G.I. Joe and Transformers 2 combined.
3. It is unoriginal. Just like everything James Cameron does (with the exception of Terminator) it has been done before, and will be done later on, with better effects, I promise.
4. It has been contaminated. Avatar was the name of a halfway decent cartoon series that is being adapted into a movie by a real director: M. Night Shyamalan. The name and some of the visual concepts have now been stolen unceremoniously by this film.
5. It is a waste of money. It will crash and burn in two weeks and then you can see it for free on Netflix instead of paying ten bucks to see it.
6. South Park told you not to. South Park, the TV show notable for making fun of everything, but for totally trashing things that really deserve it has officially trashed Avatar, which is never a good sign.
7. It is offensive to smurfs. The smurf people of smurf land cannot speak for themselves so I am speaking for them. The smurfs feel degraded sexually, especially smurfette, and they refuse to tolerate this depiction of them.
8. It's creepy. I mean come on! This weirdo guy discovers a world of blue people and proceeds to transform into one of them, that's just sick.
9. The cast is worrying. There is not a single notably decent person on the cast list, making me believe that there really is no hope of this movie succeeding.
10. You are reading this, and in fact, millions of people across the globe are reading similar articles about the terrors of this movie and it isn't even out yet! That should tell you something.

So when you go to the movies and decide what to see, I am advising you now not to go see Avatar unless you want to be sorely disappointed. That about wraps it up for this week, until next time, may your snow stay shoveled and your golf stay innocent.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dental Care

Dear Readers,

Welcome to my new blog, you get the esteemed honor of being the first of many (hopefully) to read my blog. As we celebrate the up and coming holiday of giving thanks (I mean American thanksgiving of course, Canadian Thanksgiving is NOT a respectable holiday), I am reminded of the importance of flossing. As those of you who respect your personal hygiene will know, flossing is the most tedious and useless activity in existence, or is it? This was my fervent opinion of flossing up until the day I realized that nine out of ten dentists recommend flossing; the tenth one was obviously asleep during the vote and I don't blame him, I would be too if I was a dentist who had to go to those boring meetings everyday, I am starting to drift off a little just thinking about it. As you can imagine this discovery considerably changed my opinion on this whole flossing thing, imagine it: you are just sitting on your couch, minding your own business, when suddenly a bright and flashy commercial jolts you back to reality and says: "DID YOU KNOW? Nine out of ten dentists recommend that you floss EVERYDAY! Using toothpaste is not enough to prevent cavities! (Whilst this is being said a gruesome image of a monster cavity destroying your poor little pearly white teeth, each one looking like a frightened bunny rabbit) ONLY COLGATE FLOSS CAN PREVENT CAVITIES! (It flashes back to the terrible cavity, but this time, a super hero made entirely of Colgate floss blasts him back with his ribbon of truth!) Spread the word, tell your friends, your neighbors, your coworkers, your local hippies: COLGATE FLOSS! (It flashes once more to the bunny rabbit-like teeth and each one gives the camera a toothy grin, each of THEIR teeth being made entirely of bunny rabbits too.)" End scene. Of course I immediately ran to my computer to ensure that everyone on Facebook was aware of the dire situation of their teeth, and to this day I have always flossed, once a day, everyday. Now at this point many of you may be under the impression that this has absolutely nothing to do with thanksgiving and that I have gone on a useless ranting tirade, but what you are not aware of is that I am incredibly skilled at the precise art of pulling completely obscure connections out of my buttocks. The connection is this: on Thanksgiving everyone eats lots and lots of food, it's almost like a right of passage and when you are gobbling down all the turkey you can chew, please remember your poor, innocent, bunny rabbit teeth.
The Music Scene: I would like to keep all my readers up to date on their music news, focusing on something significant in the world of music each week. This week there were a whole hoard of new albums released; most of them country, and we shan't go into my opinions on that unmentionable style of music, however in addition to this we had some more interesting albums come out. Snow Patrol released their CD: "Up To Now", an album of all the greatest songs as they so poignantly put it, up to now. This album is the one that every band releases at some point in their career, it basically states for all the world that they are officially OLD NEWS. This however is obviously not the case with Snow Patrol or I would not be telling you about them; they are the one thing that remains consistent in the English language: an exception to the rule. In other news, Bon Jovi just released their new album entitled "The Circle". I would have high hopes for this album, however after U2, a similar band, released their most recent album earlier this year and it turned out to be some of their worst stuff, I an somewhat doubting of how great of a comeback album Bon Jovi can make, although I am sure they will pull out some pretty good songs, just like U2 did. I always like to end on a positive note, so here it is: One republic also just released a new album called "Waking Up" and I have had the personal pleasure to listen to most of this album, which is SUPERB! I strongly recommend you at least check it out, if you don't want to shell out the ten dollars to buy it.
The Week in Film: This weekend, the latest movie in the twilight series comes out *projectile vomit*! The rest of the movies out are not really of interest other than The Men Who Stare at Goats, which looks like incredibly weird and funny at the same time, and since I don't want to end on a sour note, I can hardly talk about a twilight movie, so you will just have to wait until next week to get any decent film review, my apologies, but that's all folks, come back next week for another exciting entry in my blog!